Trip to the National Zoo
Warning: Adult Content!To start this blog off I'm listening too: "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart
The only song of Rod Stewart's that I enjoy, except for "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy", but I can only enjoy that one when I'm alone in front of a mirror.
Launching missiles from a submarine. Piece of cake.
Explaining the Theory of Relativity to Forrest Gump (or me). No problem.
Organizing 12 adults, 2 infants and 4 highly mobile pre-school aged children. Freaken impossible.
Getting to the zoo was a challenge in itself. Operation: Get the damn kids to the damn zoo, commenced at 0900 hrs on Saturday, April 26th. At least it did for me. My motor coach arrived at 0900 hrs, and departed shortly after to go meet up with the rest of the squad.
0930 hrs, we get to the rendezvous point and await departure.
"Come in, we're not ready!"
Damn, Damn, Damn!
Enough of the military time crap, we got to the zoo about 3 hours later. We passed 3 "Lot Full" signs before we finally found one that was open.
This is where the real fun began. Getting everything assembled was like preparing for a mission behind enemy lines. Diaper bags, strollers, snacks and other various baby things were strapped into place and locked into position. I smell... yep, we've got a poopy diaper. I know babies poop, but I think they hold it in till you're ready to do something then they fire it out.
Finally we enter the zoo and immediately the expedition comes to a stop. "I'm hungry, we're thirsty, I've gotta go to the potty." Another 45 minutes passed then at last were were ready to see some animals. I got the bright idea to just start walking, thinking that everyone would follow suit, but I forgot the golden rule of traveling with youngsters. I don't come first. What the hell is that garbage? Then there are the pictures. Millions and millions of pictures. I wanted to take pictures of animals getting busy and doing other animal things but my agenda took a back seat to, what looked like, a Gerber Baby Food photo shoot. The parents yelling the names of their children to get them to look at the camera like handlers yelling at monkeys dressed up in little suits for a movie. But let's face it, anything with monkeys doing human things is funny.
"Matchbox" by Strung Out just came on.
Once the caravan of strollers and babies strapped to chests got rolling, the group passed the Great Cats exhibit. If I'm at the zoo I'm going to see some damn Tigers. So a group of three, including me, my friend Tasha and other friend Courtney with her baby, Charlotte, broke off from the group and went to see the big cats.
Approaching the Tiger den, it was playing with a giant ball. You all would like to think that the Tiger is a lovable creature, and like to imagine it was playing with a giant ball of string. No, I say! While it was playing it looked up at me and said, "This is you big boy", and bit the S out of it.
I'm not going to go through and describe the entire zoo but one thing I will say is that if you are thinking that monkey's throw poop all the time you're wrong. They just jump around with this look like they want to rip your face off.
All of the animals just looked sad. In the Ape House, I saw an Orangutan, sleeping with it's head under a piece of cardboard. All he was missing was a Styrofoam cup with change in it. The Giant Pandas were locked up behind glass like Hannibal Lecter. Being in a zoo can't be all bad for some animals, like the Tiger. I'm sure being locked up is better than being killed by some poachers so your junk can be ground up for some wacky sex drug. Now that I think about it, I bet every animal's junk in the zoo could be made into a sex drug. I will not under any circumstances, munch on some Zebra wang to feel frisky. Why would a man want to slurp on some male animal's choad to improve his performance with women? It might have the opposite effect.
How fitting, "Skull and Crossbones" by Klaus Badelt from the Pirate of the Caribbean soundtrack just started.
One thing that would make the zoo more appealing would be the addition of an arena where you could place bets on animal gladiatorial games. For instance a Tiger fighting 30 King Cobras or a Sloth against Gary Busey. Pit animals against each other that wouldn't normally face off in the wild. I think that I could defeat a Gorilla if I had a bat and maybe a helmet. Better than that we could face off Kickboxer style, dipping our hands in molasses then in shards of glass (Speaking of molasses, I saw a few Mole asses in the Small Mammal House). If I won I would get to marry Carmen Electra. Not the raggedy Carmen Electra from today but Carmen Electra pre B-Real. If the ape won it would be shot and mounted along side me so our epic battle would forever be remembered.
In conclusion, the zoo is cool and I don't hate babies.
Check out my zoo pics at www.flickr.com/samyouwell