Printer-Friendly
Email this Story
Post a Comment (0)
There Comes A Time...
I am a man of constant change. My life is based on a series of phases. Sadly, I am out of the video game phase and in a state of transitional purgatory. Until I find my next obsession I can always do what I do best. HATE. I am a huge hater. I put the hate in hate. The townspeople have fled and the flood gates are about to be breached... with hate. I will write about video games from time to time but not with the intensity as I had in the past.You know what I hate? Chewing loudly. It's disgusting. Chewing is a natural bodily function for any creature, but what makes us human is the ability to find it disgusting. Even better is the ability to voice our opinion about how chewing is gross. Even better than that is the ability to not care what the receiving party thinks about it.
Their is only one way for me to describe to you, the sound of chewing. Imagine a 500 pound man, after getting his stomach stapled, leaving a saggy body that looks like he's carrying a deflated parachute. Now get him to crawl through a mile of partially solidified Jello, mixed with live fish. I was going to add something about trained seals smacking his posterior but you get the picture. Either way it's icky.
I don't even want to talk about you scoundrels who chew with your mouths open. Please don't try and talk while chewing either. I doubt what you have to say is important enough to hear when your mouth is empty, let alone filled with, what sounds like, gum and crickets. Your mouth looks like the opening scene from the movie SE7EN. Has anyone come up to you while enjoying a meal and screamed, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX!?"
Well, I'm starting to get nauseous so I will leave you with this final sarcastic burn.
"Could you chew that gob filled with Doritos any louder, you foraging land mammal? Oh and while you're at it, could you please stand right in front of me and start a conversation so I could waif that disgusting Dorito breath right up my nose? I prefer it when it's nice and warm with a little moisture from your plaque filled, garbage disposal of a mouth. Oh and if it isn't too much of a hassle, could you use a lot of Ps and Ts in your story? If I could get a partially chewed chunk to land right on my bottom lip, that would be amazing. I didn't eat lunch".
I feel much better. Don't you, Chew Face McChewie Chewbacca?
You must be logged in to post a comment.